This blog post is going to be a bit of a funny one because I’m not really sure what I’m going to write. I haven’t really planned anything out I just felt the urge to write.
I’m feeling pretty down at the moment. I have this overwhelming sadness that just won’t leave.
As it’s Mental Health Awareness Week, I wanted to write a little bit about how I’m feeling.
Do you ever just feel… really empty? Like the whole world is going on around you and you’re just stuck, alone and isolated. Like everyone’s smiling and you’re just trying not to cry. But you don’t quite know why.
Nothing really major has happened recently. I’ve been struggling with my self esteem but that’s just a part of it. For the past week, I’ve just been feeling really sad.
I can’t quite explain it. It’s like I have this urge to cry but no energy to do so. I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that is filling me with anxiety and unease.
I am having severe guilt over past mistakes and questioning every motive.
I won’t lie to you, the past few days I have been having really nasty thoughts. Like I just want to give up on life. But then I hold onto the fact that feelings will and do pass, and I’m just trying to wait it out.
Today was a particularly bad day, mainly because I had a lot of abusive messages from people I don’t know calling me out for using a certain phrase in regards to men’s mental health. It really upset me because I genuinely do try to do my best to raise awareness of mental illness. I’d love to hold my head high and say it didn’t get to me but I’m only human, and of course things upset me – especially when I get told I am to blame for increased suicide rates when I’m struggling myself.
I’m not going to let it put me off raising awareness, but I won’t lie, the comments were really upsetting and I just wanted to throw my phone away.
Of course, that’s not the reason for my sadness. It’s been going on on and off for months, and I’ve learned to just deal with it.
I’m doing what I can to keep myself busy. I’m working, I went to the BAFTAs on Sunday and I’m going to a launch party at Twitter HQ tomorrow night which I’m excited for. But the problem is, these are all just distractions.
In the moment, I’m excited and enjoying myself. But I know that when each experience ends, I just fall back into the realm of feeling like I want to burst into tears.
I wish I had a narrative for this post or at least an ending for it but I really don’t… I’m just quite down at the moment.
And I just always want to be honest with the people who follow me for my mental health posts.
It’s so easy to be positive and I mean what I say when I offer advice and motivation, sometimes it’s just hard to take that advice yourself.
And at the end of the day, I’m only human, things aren’t always going to be sunshine and smiles.