I haven’t posted on here in a little while, but I decided I probably should, because I’ve written a lot about mental illness on Twitter recently and I wanted to write an update on what is currently going on with my mental health.
The past couple of weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. And that’s saying a lot.
Just six weeks ago, I felt like I was getting my life back on track. Throughout December and January, as I’ve mentioned in some of my videos, I had a really horrendous bout of health anxiety. I was unable to function and genuinely felt like my life was never going to get better. That I was never going to come out of it. But I did. Everything was going well for a little while. I was enjoying work, I was being given opportunities, my relationship was great, and everything just felt like it was falling into place. So why am I back in such a horrible place once again?
When it comes to other people’s mental health, I find it easy to remain positive and offer advice. Because I really do believe, when it comes to other people, things do get better. But when it comes to myself, I just lack the motivation to think this way. And it’s difficult.
I’m currently under the Crisis team once again because my mental health is a total shambles. My OCD and health anxiety are out of control, the intrusive thoughts are non-stop and I don’t remember the last time I had a decent night’s sleep without nightmares without taking Zopiclone.
My mind is constantly racing a mile a minute and to be honest, I’ve felt like I really couldn’t cope. Just two weeks ago, the Crisis team were coming out to me everyday, I took some time off work, I was unmotivated, I was comfort eating non-stop, I stopped wearing makeup, stopped doing my hair… I just stopped everything that made me feel somewhat good about myself, because the fact is; I didn’t feel good about myself. I felt terrible. And I still do.
The past few nights I have spent every evening on the phone to Samaritans, because when Crisis aren’t here, I feel like my whole world is collapsing around me and I just need to talk and to get it all out of my system. Samaritans are great because they’re simply there to listen and not advise… which is exactly what you need sometimes – for someone to just listen.
For the second time in my life, I have thought very seriously about not wanting to be here anymore. For me, this was terrifying. But I am just so exhausted of feeling afraid of my own head, like I’m going crazy, like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown – which technically I did last week when I found myself completely detached from myself for a day – that I felt that I just didn’t want to live like this anymore. Luckily, I have Crisis, I have a psychiatrist and I have a CBT therapist. I am supported. But the problem with the mental health system is that help doesn’t come to you immediately. It all takes time. You have to wait to receive help. I understand that the system is overstretched and underfunded and there just aren’t the resources to offer everyone immediate help – but I have really felt for the past couple of weeks that that’s what I need. That I can’t wait any longer because I can just feel my mental health deteriorating.
Last week I had my Setraline upped, which I am taking for OCD. However, I have to be careful because as many of you will know I also have bipolar disorder, and anti-depressants can send you into mania. Despite taking mood stabilisers and anti-psychotics, I am currently hypomanic as well as being depressed – which means I am in a mixed state bipolar episode, meaning you have hypomania/mania and depression at the time. This can be very dangerous, as you act very impulsively.
Since my dose was upped, I feel absolutely awful. I have constant nausea and headaches and frequent nightmares. Last night I woke up every two hours from a different nightmare, one of which has left me feeling incredibly disturbed and has actually triggered harm OCD – where you worry about causing harm to yourself or others around you. Basically, I’m just having a bit of a rough time at the moment.
I’m not sure what I hope will come out of this post. I just haven’t blogged on here in a while and I thought I’d take some time out to do so and to update you all on what’s going on.
The positive thing here is that I am still here, I have a very supportive family, boyfriend, friends and I am very lucky to have a very understanding editor who has been a great support. And so I just want people to know that I’m not alone in this.
But I also just wanted to be honest, because I’ve had a few messages from people asking me if I’m okay and telling me they appreciate my honesty – so here’s me, being completely honest.
Right now, I am miserable, struggling and every day is a mission to get through. But as time goes on, I’m getting little bits of hope back that have been missing over the past couple of weeks. I also want to thank everyone who got involved with my #WhatYouShouldKnowAboutMentalIllness hashtag, and to let those who watch my videos know that I do intend to record more – but right now I’m under too much pressure to think about opening up about mental health on camera. I hope you can understand. Thanks to everyone who has been messaging me with support, it’s more appreciated than you’ll ever know.