I’ve had a really shitty start to 2018.
I started it in A&E. I spent New Year’s Day there in crisis after struggling with health anxiety for a couple of weeks.
Long story short, I was convincing myself I was going get really sick. I was panicking about blood clots and meningitis and other illness that could have really serious consequences.
It sounds daft, I know it does. But that’s health anxiety for you. You manage to convince yourself something really bad is going to happen to you. And then you spend hours of every day checking your body for symptoms and Googling anything you come across.
I know where my health anxiety comes from. Twice I’ve been left in critical condition due to medical negligence, and so now I don’t trust anyone when I feel I’m getting sick – and I worry about the consequences.
In the past couple of weeks I’ve been to the doctors six times and had three sets of blood tests. I had an infection for a little while and I worried about sepsis. I was having nightmares every night about it, waking up shaking in cold sweats, having intrusive thoughts and visions I can’t even begin to describe because they’re too terrifying.
I was under the Crisis team for three weeks, had all of my medication upped and I spend every evening feeling like a zombie because of how much I’m taking at the moment.
Things got so bad the other night that I was in A&E because I accidentally overdosed – aka I took too much medication. I didn’t want to die, I just wanted my head to shut up.
I don’t know why or how, but my health anxiety has been pretty non-existent over the past couple days. This is because now my worries have shifted to guilt over things I’ve done in the past. I have this horrendous feeling in my stomach that won’t go. It’s making me feel sick and want to cry all of the time because I feel so horrendously guilty. I’ve been confessing things over and over to my partner, things that don’t even need to be said simply because I need to get them out of my system.
Regardless of my health anxiety or guilt, I know that they’re both part of another condition I live with: OCD. Health anxiety falls under the OCD spectrum due to its obsessive tendencies – and guilt and the obsession to confess does too. So really, over all, it’s my OCD I’m struggling with at the moment.
There’s no end to this story. It’s not even a story, really. It’s just an update as to where I’m at.
This is it.